Operation: Ranma Relief
by ice queen
Summary: Mousse and Ryoga team up to make Ranma disliked by both Akane and Shampoo.
1. Default Chapter

Operation

Operation: Ranma Relief

By Ice Queen

Disclaimer: Any character used in this fic is the property of Ms. Takahashi. I do not in any way claim them, nor desire to make money off of them. This is written purely for entertainment.

Prologue

Ryoga Habiki, Martial arts expert and a man that could shatter boulders with a single finger, was lost. It wasn't a new experience by any means, but it was rather irritating. All he really wished for was a nice warm bed and to see his precious Akane Tendo, the woman that he loved.How ironic that the only time she hugged him was when he was a pig. What torment. Well... Not the holding part... The pig part was what really irritated him.Was it any wonder that the only time he got a girl was when he was a piglet?Charlotte... He shudders, shoving the thought to the back area of his mind.He much preferred P-chan, merely because his precious Akane had named him that.She would never know how much that meant to him. 

"RAMPAGING PIG!!WATCH OUT MISTER!BEFORE HE GORES YOU!!"Ryoga scoffed, stopping the overly large pig with his umbrella and knocking it miles away._Why must they always pull that routine with me?_He thought._One would think that it would be old by this time._

"Quack!Quack!"He glanced down to see a large duck wearing a pair of glasses at his feet."Quack! Quack!" The mallard shouted angrily.Pulling a teakettle out of hammer space Ryoga poured the hot water on top of the duck, tossing down a cloak. 

"Mousse!What are you doing in this neck of the woods?"He asked wonderingly.Mousse gave him a befuddled look. 

"What do you mean?We're right outside the Cat Cafe, and that stupid boar you just sent flying knocked me into the water bucket over there."Ryoga looked over, confused again 

"What's a water bucket doing out here?"He asked, causing Mousse to raise his hands in despair."Never mind... So this means that I'm ever closer to my darling Akane!Oh what joy!" 

"That pervert girl?" Mousse asked, causing Ryoga to glare menacingly at him. "I was just quoting my Shampoo!"He said."She says that Akane only likes Ranma for the girl side... Although I don't think that's true... If she were that way surely she would go after Shampoo..."Mousse blushed bright red at the look on Ryoga's face. 

"What??Shampoo is much better looking then Ranma could ever be! Even when he's a girl!"His announcements turned into mere quacks as Ryoga poured a bucket of water on him. 

"Akane does not like either the male or the female version of Ranma, so stop talking like that or else I'll make you dinner."He said, causing the duck to walk away mumbling to himself. 

By the time Mousse had changed back into a human, cleaned the Cat Cafe floor and written extensively in his memoirs, Ryoga had walked a hundred miles, and ended up right back in front of the Cat Cafe.He had done some thinking, but that wasn't why he was there.He was there because he was lost... Again.

"Ryoga?What you do here?" he heard a high pitched voice ask behind him.He turned, seeing a confused Shampoo staring at him with the 'Closed' sign in her hand."Why you no sleeping with pervert girl as pig?" 

"Is it any of your business?"He asked rudely, causing her to nod. 

"Shampoo see, Pig boy lost again." She walked away, leaving him to wonder what Mousse saw in such a girl.Just than Mousse rounded the corner with a red rose in his hand.He presented it to Ryoga with a flourish 

"Shampoo, my darling, would you go out with me?"He asked, staring blindly into Ryoga's face. 

"Wrong guy, duck boy."Ryoga stated dryly, than dragged Mousse around the corner."Listen, I've been thinking.You want Shampoo, and I want Akane, right? 

"Certainly, but why you would want a pervert-" Ryoga cut off Mousse's statement quickly. 

"It doesn't matter what you think, we still have the same problem."Mousse blinked."Ranma?The name does strike a bell, doesn't it?Or are you stupid as well as blind?" 

"Well... I understand what you mean, but what are we going to do about him?"Mousse said, starting to get in the spirit of things."It isn't as though we could kill him off... Shampoo wouldn't appreciate that."

"No... But we could do something else, and much more entertaining as well."Ryoga said, his fangs flashing in a wicked smile.

"I... I see."Mousse said, lying through his teeth.Ryoga laughed loudly.

"That'll be the day, blind boy."He threw his arm around the slightly taller boy and walked off, explaining his little plan.

**********

Chapter I

Operation: Pretty Piggy

"Squee!!!SQUEEE!!!!"The small black pig jumped wildly into Akane's arms.He gazed up at her with tears falling from his big eyes. There was a smear of bright red lipstick across his snout and thickly brushed eye shadow above his eyes. Akane pulled him back to give him a better look.

"Hey!Stupid pig!Where' d you get off to??"She looked up to see Ranma-chan with a half used tube of lipstick in her hand and automatically pulled out the mallet of justice.

"RANMA!!!!! How could you do such a thing to P-chan?Don't you realize how stupid he looks?"She asked, slamming the mallet over Ranma's head.She didn't even notice when P-chan ran around the corner of the building.

Soon a half-dressed Ryoga stood where P-chan had just been.He smirked at the boy holding the empty teakettle, and scrubbed wildly at the makeup still on his face.

"Your turn man, my job here is done."He grinned, enjoying the sounds of Ranma's bellowing in the background.

"Just stay right here.We don't need them seeing either you, or P-chan.With your sense of direction you would end up right where they are."Mousse said, shoving past the fanged boy towards the still fighting couple.

"Would you just listen to me for once, Akane?I was taking a bath and somehow something must have knocked me out... Next thing I knew I woke up... and..."

"Yeah right, Ranma!The next thing You're going to say is that a harmless little pig put on make-up and set you up to take the fall!"Akane shouted, hitting her again.

"Ho'dyouu ghess??" Ranma-chan slurred.

"I hate to interrupt this touching scene, but I felt that Akane Tendo would like to know something about her... Pig..."Mousse came from out of the shadows, playing the mysterious role to the hilt.

"P-chan??What's happened to him?Is he all right?"Akane asked anxiously.

"I suppose he must be... Although he did appear to be crying the last time I saw him.He was heading towards a short blond girl in roller skates."

"....."

"The strangest thing was... She was calling your 'P-chan' by a different name... What was it?Oh yes!Charlotte!"

Akane fainted into Ranma's arms.

*******


	2. Operation: Duck de la Orange

Operation

Operation: Ranma Relief

Chapter II

Operation: Duck de la orange

"Are you sure this part is going to work?"Mousse asked cautiously.He was half way ready for the next scene, but the idea was still uncomfortable.Ryoga dumped a bucket of water on his reluctant accomplice and shoved him into the cooking plate.

"I'm sure!Now... Bite this apple or something... That's what they always make me do."He looked down unrepentantly at the scowling duck and poured orange sauce on him."Now hush up, I hear them coming."

"P-CHHAAAANNNN!!!WHERE ARE YOU???"

"Yo!Pig boy!Stop hiding!"Akane and Ranma rounded the corner, both shouting for the "lost" porker.Ryoga pulled on his fake moustache and hid his bandanna in his pocket. He looked over at Ranma who was still in his girl form and smirked haughtily.

"Madam, your table awaits."He stated in his bad English impression.Ranma looked at him blankly and Akane started sputtering."I really must insist.The master has need of your ***cough*** gracious presence."With that said he pulled out a mallet and knocked him/her out.

"Wait just one second!Ranma has to help me find P-chan!He doesn't have time for a stupid date!"Akane protested, hanging onto the back of Ryoga's shirt.

"I apologize my-er… madam, but I really must insist."Ryoga said, forcing himself not to cave as he was wont to do.He dragged Ranma's unconscious body around the corner and looked around blankly.

"Quack" Came from somewhere over to his right, and he began to follow the sound blindly.Soon he found himself in front of the Cat Café, looking down at a half drowned duck and a knocked out Kuno.He quickly splashed water in Kuno's face, hoping Akane hadn't seen his previous state.

Kuno looked around blankly. "Wha-Pig tailed girl!Oh how my heart has longed for the day you would invite me out to lunch!Oh joyous day!" He shouted, glomping the still unconscious Ranma to his chest.

"Nihao and welcome to the ca-Aihyaa!!!What you do with Shampoo's Airan?Is Mousse you serve my beloved?"She looked over and noticed that Ranma wasn't making many protests at the way he was being treated and began to get mad. "Mousse is no on menu! You have pay double for him!"She said and knocked Kuno out once more with her bonbori.

"Ranma!Why you let pervert man touch you?You no man!Shampoo no love you no more!"She said, walking away from the table with a flounce.Ranma woke up groggily, just before she stated coldly. "Cooked Duck, two hundred yen!Get while hot!"

A pathetic "Quack." Came from the table behind her.

Ryoga said nothing, merely knocking Ranma out once more, handing a tissue to the still bawling Akane, grabbing Mousse and running as fast as he could in the opposite direction.

He dumped the sticky duck in the nearest pool house and sighed."That didn't work out exactly as I had planned… But look at it this way, Shampoo doesn't love either of you now."

"Yeah, she only tried to sell me for two hundred yen… Let's face it.This will never work."Mousse said morosely."I might as well go back to China."

"When at last we finally have some hope?I don't think so!Sooner or later Akane's going to remember that it's Ranma's fault for P-chan running away, and Shampoo is going to realize that you would never cheat on her, unlike Ranma!We have only just begun to fight!" Ryoga said brashly.They both walked out of the bathhouse with their heads held high… just as someone poured a bucket of cold fluid out the window.

"What if someone was out there?"

"Nope… Nobody other then a pig and a duck."

"Quack."

"Squee!"

*********


	3. Operation: Ransoming Charlotte

Operation: Ransoming Charlotte

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2.Figures, huh?Sorry this took so long, but writing Ranma is hard!!*ducks the flying fruit*Leave a note if you like/hate or anything in between, either way tell me if I stayed in character, k?

Operation: Ransoming Charlotte

Chapter three

"_BRRRING! BRRRRINNNGGG_!!!!" 

"Hello?"

"Do you like scary movies?"

"What?Who is this?"

"Wait... wrong script.I hear you have a pet that's gone missing."The voice on the phone sounded muffled, as though it were speaking through a wad of cloth.

"Yes. His name is P-chan.Tell me you've found him!Is he alright?He isn't harmed is he?" The questions fired out rapidly, tumbling one after the other.

"He is... For now.If you wish to keep him that way I suggest you bring the pig-tailed girl to the back ally behind the Cat Cafe.Tell no one of this call, else your little _P-chan_ will be Boiled Pig."CLICK!

Akane dropped the phone, causing it to sway lightly on it's cord.Her eyes grew large and began to fill with tears."P-P-P-chan!"

*********

"I don' t like it!You didn't have to scare her!"Ryoga growled at the taller boy."You could have done it some other way!"

"Like what?Tell her that Ryoga Habiki has been masquerading as her pet for the last few years, and wants to kill her rightful fiancee?" Mousse asked dryly. 

"No... But you could have told her that P-chan would be fine!You made her think I.. er.. Her pet would be dinner if she didn't deliver!"

"What makes you think you won't?"Mousse asked with a smirk."Would you just get over it already?We have a scene to set, and you still haven't talked to Shampoo."He glanced down at the small packet he held in his hand.This had to be timed perfectly for it all to come off correctly."Now change already, we need the ransom pictures."

"I still say that this is degrading." Ryoga grumbled under his breath.

"You should have thought of that before you tried to feed me to that Kuno fellow."

********

"Ranma!I need your help!"She cried, gazing up at the rapidly backing fighter.There were tears falling down her face, and her hands were in an oddly pleading position.

"Wh-what?"Ranma asked, fear heard clearly in his voice.All of a sudden Akane pulled out her largest mallet and a bucket of water, rendering instant doozy Ranma-chan."You're going to help me save P-chan!"

"B-but Akane!!"Ranma chan cried as she was dragged out into the night.The sound of her voice lingered in the silent air.

*******

"But... What does the big duck man want with me?"Her big eyes looked up at Mousse pleadingly."Little Azusa didn't hurt hims, did she?Her just wanted her Juan!"She looked up pleadingly, glancing towards the frying pan she had gone gaga over earlier.

"Lady, this has nothing to do with you, we just need you out of the picture for a little while."He pulled out a blankie and a pacifier form her bag.She kept the strangest things on her person... There was also a pair of matching booties and a bib that would work perfect. Shoving a cloth napkin into her mouth he grabbed up his find and headed towards the other room.

"SQUEE!" The little pig wailed as it saw what was in his hand.

"Now stop complaining!We already discussed this and it's the only thing that will work!"The small pig glared at him, turning it's back."I was hoping it wouldn't come to this." Mousse said, pulling out a small mallet and knocking the pig out cold."There now, much better!"

Within seconds a cute little P-chan wearing the perfect baby ensemble of pink and yellow laid unconscious in a basket.Mousse snapped happily away, ever once in a while moving his model to a different position, and posing him with a strikingly familiar shirt.

***********

She found the pictures right about the time Shampoo found him.With a scream Akane turned towards Ranma, a demand for an explanation on her lips.The words died before ever being said as she focused on the sight of Shampoo pouring hot water over Ranma'chan, than hugging Ranma even more happily then ever.

"I suppose she helped you with this as well!"She shouted, banging a mallet over Ranma's head, tossing the file of pictures to the ground, than storming away.Shampoo stopped her daily glomping to pick up the pictures curiously.

"What pig boy doing wearing Groom's shirt?Shampoo wash that shirt!Ranma no baka!And just as Shampoo was thinking of forgiving you!"She knocked him over the headwith a bon bori, then waltzed away complaining of unfaithful males.

"Ranma took a few seconds to get over the dizziness then grabbed the muddied pictures up irritably."Wha!?RYOGA!!!!"He ran off towards the Cat Cafe.

********

(With Mousse)  
"Why males always have to be so stupid??Shampoo love Ranma and he treat her like slave half-wit boy!Shampoo not Mousse!"She gulped down another glass of sake and turned to the aforementioned slave."Why Ranma not more like you?"She asked, giggling slightly as she was already well on the way to being drunk.

"Ranma shall never-er... I don't know my darling.Perhaps there's something you need to think through a little more."She lazily wrapped her arms around his neck, making his heart to beat ten times faster then usual.He looked down, his eyes drifting shut, sure that this would be his first kiss with his beautiful Shampoo... Only to have her belch right in his face, then begin to snore.

His heart broke slightly as he heard her say "Ranma..." in her sleep.

"Baka..."He whispered, not knowing exactly who he meant, Ranma, or himself, than he held her, until he was distracted by a scream.

**********

"Azusa!So that's what happened to you!I bet you never even had Ryoga!"He untied the wriggling girl, only to have her scream in his face. 

"GIVE ME JUAN!!"She shouted, quickly grabbing the frying pan and clasping it to her breast."Azusa leaving now."She stated defiantly than flounced away as the prima donna that she had always been.

"Strange girl... Now where is Charlotte? I know that those pictures were taken around here."He slammed in through the kitchen door, and began shouting for Ryoga to show himself.

A half dressed Mousse came in, pure wrath in his eyes. "How dare you interrupt this time with my darling Shampoo?For that you must die!"Just then Shampoo woke up to find herself wearing Mousse's shirt, and her pants. The horror almost made her keel over, till she heard the bellowing from the front room.

"Ranma!You come to save Shampoo, no?"She shouted, jumping into his arms.Mousse looked back and forth between the two, a confused and hurt look on his face.

"B-but... I thought..."

"What?Shampoo no trade for you!Shampoo have real man!"Shampoo turned and began to attack Mousse in her usual fashion.Ranma ignored them both, seeking high and low to find Ryoga.He gave up after having a horrifying encounter with Cologne in a green beauty mask. 

Heading home he thought tiredly that the little pig would show up sooner or later, his revenge would just have to wait.As he reached the door of the Tendo Dojo he was shocked to hear the sound of P-chan's squeal.

"Ranma!Look who came home!I must have been mistaken about you kidnapping him... It must have been Azusa all along!"She hald the blushing pig to her chest like a baby."Why else would he be wearing such a ridiculous outfit?"

Ranma glanced down to see P-chan dressed in a pair of tights and leotards."I'm not even going to ask... You ran into Kodachi on the way to comfort Akane, didn't you?"The little pig gave him a pitiful look and nodded.

"I'm going to bed, everyone.Wake me when it's normal again." Ranma called out to the room at large.Kasumi gave him a troubled look.

"What do you mean?Normal?"

"Exactly."

THE END


End file.
